Tell me we'll be okay...

I miss you. I miss everything about you.

Your smile.. your laugh.. how you made me smile. I miss how you thought everything I did was cute. And how you always liked talking to me, you always made me feel wanted. I miss how you were apart of my family, and how my mom let me go anywhere as long as you kept me safe.  I miss feeling safe.. I miss having someone to protect me when I needed it. I miss not having to care about what i looked like.. because you always thought I was beautiful. I miss the crazy, fun adventures. I miss just sitting and talking to you, about anything and everything. I miss how you read me like a book.. and how you knew everything about me. You always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better. 

I just miss us... so much..

We were far from perfect together, we had our flaws and our disagreements, but that's what made us.. us. And even though we were far from the perfect couple.. We were perfect for eachother. 

I just wanna go back to the beginning...

:/

We're the new face of failure

I hate myself. I hate what you've done to me, what you've turned me into.

Before you, I was content with just a best friend. I was finally to the "i don't need a boyfriend" phase. Finally ready to just go about my senior year and just have fun. I didn't need you. But damn I wanted you. And once I got you, you became an addiction. I needed you every second I could have you.

And this is partially all your fault. You spoiled me with all of your time, affection, and attention. So 10 months later what was I supposed to do? Expect less? No. I expected just as much as I did in September. You let me have my way with everything. And it took you 10 months to realize your actions were wrong. It took you 10 months to realize something I was pushing for all along. You always gave me my way, made me make the choices, let me take the reigns. And yeah sure, that's fine sometimes. It's only fair. But In the end... both people in the relationship need to make decisions. Even if it means knowing the choice won't make the other ecstatic. Especially over stupid things like food. You knew what I wanted and didn't want, and you wanted what I didn't and despite the 100 times I said "let's just have what you want." you continued to put up the fight til I made the decision.

You brought on your own unhappiness.

I would've been perfectly happy had you taken the reigns once in a while. Had you said "baby, this is what I would like to do today." Not "baby can we do this? i know you don't want to though so lets just do what you want."

You have to man up and stand up for what makes you happy. If at the beginning of the relationship we set up the boundaries of making compromises and letting both of us control the relationship. We could've lasted. We would have.

But instead, you let go and let me have full control. And when I pushed for you to take some control. You'd get mad at me and say no.

That's fucking bullshit. Because now you make it out to seem like this is all my fault. When we're both to blame.

And now that your gone... I hate the person I'm becoming, because I can see how it's going to happen already.
I'm becoming a bitch. I'm becoming heartless.
I'm numb to everything that doesn't involve you.
I fake my happiness to get through my days.

The worst part is the rumors. I hate that I'm hearing the "he said she said" shit. I hate that I'm hearing from a friend who told her who told them who told them that you told that person during summer school... the entire fucking story. This is no one's business but our own and a few close friends we use for support. I use this as my support. I know that I could let these slide, because Who Knows what is true of what's said, and what isn't true. You'd never tell me if some of it is true.

But what I hate most about all of that is I can sit here and think "Okay, what if all of what I'm being is told is true. What if he really thinks this way about me. What if all of those things are all of his true feelings." I think about that, and I know for a fact that every girl in my situation would go "Well... then fuck him."

But not me.

I sit here and go "I know it's all true. I know that's what he truly thinks of me.. but I'm still head over heels in love with him."

And I hate that. I hate that you have me so tightly wound around your finger that you can give off the impression to everyone that you don't give a fucking shit about me.. and I still sit here and think about how much I love you. And miss you. And want to talk to you again.

I hate that you don't care at all.. and I love you all the same.

If you love me then, Fuck You. If you hate me then, Fuck You.

I really miss being a little kid. I miss how simple life used to be. When life meant you were friends with who was in your class that year, except for those few special friends. When life meant being invited to a boy/girl party meant going to a park and playing tag, not going to a house getting drunk and fucking a guy you just met. When life was planned out for you, when you didn't really have a choice in anything, and that was okay with you.

I love my friends to death, I really do. At least the ones who have stuck through every problem. Especially the ones that prove their friendship. But honestly, there was a time, when I had just moved to Carlsbad... and actually all through middle school and freshman year... that I didn't have any real friend. I had the "friends" I'd be with at lunch. Maybe we'd hang out outside of school, because we didn't have anyone else. But they weren't best friends. They weren't friends forever "i'd kill for them" material. I used to be very depressed that I didn't have friends, and in thought that is a very sad statement. Kids need friends... they help to shape them into the adults they grow up to be. But now when I look back, I realize that was so much more simple.

When you don't have friends, you don't have disappointment. You don't have regret, and hate, and loss.

Friendship is inevitable in high school... so are relationships. Most of our high school friendships and romances never live to see graduation. The friends you meet your freshman year are never the same friends you meet your senior year. Not the serious ones at least. Every person has at least a few friends who they can call their besties for all four years but what is the likelyhood they'll be your friends through college? Til your married? Til you die?

We all want those friends. We all think we have those friends. And when we lose them, we mourn the loss. Each person in their own way.

Maybe I'm lucky.. that I've had a friend since 2nd grade. But she and i both know we aren't as close as we used to be. As much as we'd love to try to change that.. we never will. We can still talk but not like we used to.

Maybe I'm lucky that I've had a friend since 8th grade. But when you've never seen each other in person, your friendship is limited. As much as I love her, there's only so much you can explain over an IM or a letter.

Maybe I'm truly blessed, because I completely fucked up a friendship after 2 years of greatness, but at the lowest point of my life to date, she stepped up and became the girl I always called my best friend.

Maybe it was all fate.

Maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone but me. The only thing that does truly make sense is that I need to learn to be independant. To live life for myself, not anyone else. I need to learn to be happy on my own. We all need to learn that.

Because I'm so fucking tired of being disappointed...