We're the new face of failure

I hate myself. I hate what you've done to me, what you've turned me into.

Before you, I was content with just a best friend. I was finally to the "i don't need a boyfriend" phase. Finally ready to just go about my senior year and just have fun. I didn't need you. But damn I wanted you. And once I got you, you became an addiction. I needed you every second I could have you.

And this is partially all your fault. You spoiled me with all of your time, affection, and attention. So 10 months later what was I supposed to do? Expect less? No. I expected just as much as I did in September. You let me have my way with everything. And it took you 10 months to realize your actions were wrong. It took you 10 months to realize something I was pushing for all along. You always gave me my way, made me make the choices, let me take the reigns. And yeah sure, that's fine sometimes. It's only fair. But In the end... both people in the relationship need to make decisions. Even if it means knowing the choice won't make the other ecstatic. Especially over stupid things like food. You knew what I wanted and didn't want, and you wanted what I didn't and despite the 100 times I said "let's just have what you want." you continued to put up the fight til I made the decision.

You brought on your own unhappiness.

I would've been perfectly happy had you taken the reigns once in a while. Had you said "baby, this is what I would like to do today." Not "baby can we do this? i know you don't want to though so lets just do what you want."

You have to man up and stand up for what makes you happy. If at the beginning of the relationship we set up the boundaries of making compromises and letting both of us control the relationship. We could've lasted. We would have.

But instead, you let go and let me have full control. And when I pushed for you to take some control. You'd get mad at me and say no.

That's fucking bullshit. Because now you make it out to seem like this is all my fault. When we're both to blame.

And now that your gone... I hate the person I'm becoming, because I can see how it's going to happen already.
I'm becoming a bitch. I'm becoming heartless.
I'm numb to everything that doesn't involve you.
I fake my happiness to get through my days.

The worst part is the rumors. I hate that I'm hearing the "he said she said" shit. I hate that I'm hearing from a friend who told her who told them who told them that you told that person during summer school... the entire fucking story. This is no one's business but our own and a few close friends we use for support. I use this as my support. I know that I could let these slide, because Who Knows what is true of what's said, and what isn't true. You'd never tell me if some of it is true.

But what I hate most about all of that is I can sit here and think "Okay, what if all of what I'm being is told is true. What if he really thinks this way about me. What if all of those things are all of his true feelings." I think about that, and I know for a fact that every girl in my situation would go "Well... then fuck him."

But not me.

I sit here and go "I know it's all true. I know that's what he truly thinks of me.. but I'm still head over heels in love with him."

And I hate that. I hate that you have me so tightly wound around your finger that you can give off the impression to everyone that you don't give a fucking shit about me.. and I still sit here and think about how much I love you. And miss you. And want to talk to you again.

I hate that you don't care at all.. and I love you all the same.