If you love me then, Fuck You. If you hate me then, Fuck You.

I really miss being a little kid. I miss how simple life used to be. When life meant you were friends with who was in your class that year, except for those few special friends. When life meant being invited to a boy/girl party meant going to a park and playing tag, not going to a house getting drunk and fucking a guy you just met. When life was planned out for you, when you didn't really have a choice in anything, and that was okay with you.

I love my friends to death, I really do. At least the ones who have stuck through every problem. Especially the ones that prove their friendship. But honestly, there was a time, when I had just moved to Carlsbad... and actually all through middle school and freshman year... that I didn't have any real friend. I had the "friends" I'd be with at lunch. Maybe we'd hang out outside of school, because we didn't have anyone else. But they weren't best friends. They weren't friends forever "i'd kill for them" material. I used to be very depressed that I didn't have friends, and in thought that is a very sad statement. Kids need friends... they help to shape them into the adults they grow up to be. But now when I look back, I realize that was so much more simple.

When you don't have friends, you don't have disappointment. You don't have regret, and hate, and loss.

Friendship is inevitable in high school... so are relationships. Most of our high school friendships and romances never live to see graduation. The friends you meet your freshman year are never the same friends you meet your senior year. Not the serious ones at least. Every person has at least a few friends who they can call their besties for all four years but what is the likelyhood they'll be your friends through college? Til your married? Til you die?

We all want those friends. We all think we have those friends. And when we lose them, we mourn the loss. Each person in their own way.

Maybe I'm lucky.. that I've had a friend since 2nd grade. But she and i both know we aren't as close as we used to be. As much as we'd love to try to change that.. we never will. We can still talk but not like we used to.

Maybe I'm lucky that I've had a friend since 8th grade. But when you've never seen each other in person, your friendship is limited. As much as I love her, there's only so much you can explain over an IM or a letter.

Maybe I'm truly blessed, because I completely fucked up a friendship after 2 years of greatness, but at the lowest point of my life to date, she stepped up and became the girl I always called my best friend.

Maybe it was all fate.

Maybe none of this makes any sense to anyone but me. The only thing that does truly make sense is that I need to learn to be independant. To live life for myself, not anyone else. I need to learn to be happy on my own. We all need to learn that.

Because I'm so fucking tired of being disappointed...